Just 12 weeks after the amputation, when I was feeling like I was moving forward, physically and mentally, I hit a wall. Hard.
The good news is that it was a tremendous learning opportunity, of which I hope I got the most out of. It would be dreadful to think I keep getting on this rollercoaster for nothing!
It all started when I had an adjustment made to the NBF. My limb is healing wonderfully, and I am feeling stronger every day, which meant I was able to wear my prosthetic for long stretches during the day - but I was running into a problem with the NBF becoming loose after a few hours. My limp would become more pronounced, my back would start to hurt, the limb would become painful. By the end of the day I was exhausted from the effort of trying to do my thing with a prosthetic that didn't fit right.
When I went to Next Step for a follow up, they made several small adjustments, including putting some padding inside the socket to try to give me a better fit for longer stretches. The limb is shrinking quicker than expected. Making a new socket isn't an option at this point because I've only had it a short time. They are incredibly expensive. So, I had padding put inside the socket and was able to achieve a snugger fit.
What I wasn't counting on was that my limb was going to object so strenuously to the adjustments! It took a week for it to become accustomed to the new shape and fit of the socket, which aggravated the nerves and brought back much of pain I thought was finally starting to receed.
I became depressed, and frustrated with this setback - and while I could wear the NBF longer during the day without it becoming as loose, and while my back got some relief and my limp became less of an issue, every night when I took the NBF off my leg would scream with pain for hours - which meant I got very little sleep, if any. That in turn meant I was less able to handle the pain the next day, and I started to feel angry. About everything. Especially about not being able to walk my half-mile every day.
Then after a few days I noticed that the NBF needed yet another adjustment. It had become too short. I needed to go back to Next Step to ask them to adjust the length this time. Jason at Next Step was able to take care of that fairly easily, but more than that, he and Matt both took the time to sit with me and talk about what was going on, and how I was handling these setbacks.
Turns out I wasn't handling it very well. So, an attitude adjustment was also in order. They made it pretty clear that despite a positive attitude and a "get up and go" outlook, my body and my limb need to do whatever it is they need to do to get through the healing process and I best just go with the flow. While I may be months ahead of schedule in lots of things, my limb still needs to do it's thing and it can't be rushed. Basically they said I was doing great, but I was pushing myself too hard. On the one hand, physically I am months ahead of the recovery curve - but on the other hand, my mind still has a lot of processing to do about what has happened and what it all means.
So, I came home and put together a new game plan. I still walk, but not every day - every other day will have to do for now. I still clean and cook and shop and cart the kids around, but I don't do it non-stop all day every day. I still have goals and dreams and will still work towards them, but I will do it in small steps, instead of trying to rush headlong into it.
Part of the problem was that I just want my life (and John's life, and the kids lives) to go back to the way it was before the surgery, to be normal again..... and then I had to face the fact that no matter how fast I do it, or how hard I try, our lives can't ever go back to the way it used to be. Things have changed, and the sooner I face it and learn to live with it, the better this will go for all of us.
I was equating a full, rich, happy life with having two legs. I wasn't allowing that I might have a full rich happy life as a one-legged person. After of years pretending I didn't have pseudorthrosis, I was now pretending I didn't have just the one leg, or at least trying my damnedest to make others think I was two-legged. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
I have one leg - I have a wonderful prosthetic that can support me in my new life - I will be well, and adjusted and my handicap will become less the focus of my life in the future. But for now I need to let things happen in their own time. Being strong doesn't mean being able to do it all - having a positive attitude doesn't mean having to deny what has happened.
So, I am walking a half-mile every other day for now . . . I am also paying better attention to my eating habits and making sure I get enough rest. I have decided that I will not burn in hell for eternity if I take a short nap every afternoon. I am going to bed earlier and resting my limb more.
I will get where I want to be - just not today. :)
And that's fine.
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